A Gift

These last two weeks without our little girl have been challenging. Feelings of sorrow, emptiness, anger, and regret are a deep part of our daily lives. But along with those feelings also comes gratitude, comfort, peace, and love. Each day we miss being able to see Cait and feel of her sweet spirit. She brought a feeling of being complete to our family and now we feel her absence. We have wondered how life is supposed to go on without Cait, and yet somehow it keeps going.

Cait brought so much to our lives, and still does. She has taught us how special each day is with the ones we love. We find ourselves loving Celtin and Aiden a little deeper, holding their hands a little longer and hugging them a little tighter. It's not so hard to stop what we're doing and really listen.

Cait was and is our daughter. That alone is one of the best gifts we could have ever hoped for. The gift of knowing we will be with her again is, at times, our only consolation. Cait makes us want to be better everyday, for we know that is what makes our family eternal. What a blessing it is know that we have a little angel waiting for us all to be together again. Cait was able to fulfill her mission in the 16 days she was here on earth and now we must be sure to complete ours.

We can only imagine what she must feel, being separated from her earthly family. But she now has a perfect knowledge of the grand scheme of things. Oh to be so lucky to have the big picture laid out in front of us. But that is where our faith and love come into play.

We would like to thank all of you that have been so supportive during this time in our lives. We know that our joys have been your joys, and our sadness your sadness as well. It is comforting to know that our little girl was able to touch so many lives. We hope you have been blessed by knowing Cait and gained faith and strength from her experiences. This is how Cait will live on for all of us. We can all try a little harder to be a little better.

~With Love and Thanks,
Dale & Candice

Cait's Obituary

LAYTON- Our precious little girl, Caitlyn (Cait) Faye Hawkins, returned to our Heavenly Father's arms on December 7, 2009. She was welcomed into this world on November 21, 2009 by her parents Dale and Candice Marie Lattin Hawkins and two brothers, Celtin and Aiden. Cait was strong; able to beat the odds stacked against her but was unable to overcome the unforeseen.

Her sweet spirit blessed our lives in the 16 days that we were able to spend with her. We look forward to the day we will be with her again.

Caitlyn is survived by her parents; her brothers; grandparents C.D. and Karolyn Hawkins (Ogden), Michael and Gwendolyn Lattin (Liberty); and great-grandmother Veon Harvey (Clearfield).

Funeral services will be held on Friday, December 11, 2009 at 2:00 p.m. at Myers Mortuary in Layton, 250 N. Fairfield Road where friends and family may call from 1 to 1:45 p.m. prior to the service.

Interment will be in Myers Evergreen Memorial Park.

16 Days of Blessings

Today we unexpectedly had to say goodbye to our sweet little girl. The infection was too much for her little body to recover from. The doctors and nurses did all that they could and were willing to keep trying but Cait let us know that she'd had enough, she opened her eyes and looked right at Mom and Dad and told us "No more." They then took her off all the tubes and we were able to hold her as she left this world. We were able to have 16 days with this precious little girl and we look forward to the day we can be with her again. We would write more but emotions are too high tonight. Thank You everyone for all your love and support.

-Dale and Candice

The Good with the Bad

We have been blessed to have Cait do so well this last week. Recognizing these blessings helps to take the sting off the bad days, just a bit. Cait had a challenging day. Candice had gone up to the hospital to be with Cait, while the boys and I went to church. After a spiritually overwhelming sacrament meeting, I was greeted by a good family friend sent by Candice to relay the news that Cait was not doing well and that I needed to get to the hospital ASAP.

Cait had developed an infection and her lungs were looking slightly collapsed, she stopped breathing for a time because of the infection. Not good. She is stable now, but is back on a ventilator and tubes everywhere helping to sustain life once again. I have been blessed to give her another blessing and once again felt a strength and power not of my own with me during this sacred experience.

On the way to the hospital I had this strong sense of sorrow and gratitude. Yes, gratitude. I am so grateful that Cait has done so well for so long. She has been blessed. But with my gratitude comes an understanding knowing that with the good comes gratitude, and with the bad comes faith.

~Dale

Little Smiles

Yesterday and today have been great days with Cait. She has continued to lower her oxygen needs and is handling her feedings very well, eating a little over 1/2 ounce every three hours. Her big accomplishment today is that she has now started to gain weight instead of lose it. Tuesday she was down to 2lbs 2oz and today she is 2lbs 4oz. YEAH! Cait has also started physical therapy as her shoulders and elbows are pretty stiff from not being able to move too much while inside. Today the PT showed me how to do Caits stretches so we can do them when we are with her. It kinda reminds me of a Jane Fonda workout for preemies.

The nurses have been letting me help with diaper changes, taking her temperature, and making sure her mouth stays moist since she likes to sleep with it hanging open. It feels so good to be able to do something for her instead of just sit and stare. Yesterday her nurse even let me hang out with her with the blue lights turned off for a few minutes. This means she didn't have to have her little suntanning goggles on and could open her eyes. Seeing my daughter open her eyes for the first time was quite overwhelming. It's amazing what you can see when you look in your child's eyes, I finally got to have a little glimpse of HER and not just her body. To top it all off she gave me quite a few little grins. Melted my heart.

We haven't had the chance to hold her yet but that day will come. Dale and I are more than ready but we don't want to cause her any unnecessary stress when she is doing so well, so we will wait. Her nurse last night showed me some ways I can "hold" her while she's in her isolet. Cait really seemed to like it as she snuggled right down and zonked out.

She is such a sweetheart and I just can't seem to get enough of her. My time at the hospital seems to fly by much too quickly. We are still trying to get a schedule down with the boys, work, school, daily life, the NICU, and don't forget the pump. It's been pretty crazy this week and I want to say Thank You to everyone who have pitched in and helped with the boys and dinners. You have all been lifesavers. We are so grateful to have such wonderful friends and family around us. Thank You again for all that you do for me and my family.

-Candice

Doing Well

Cait is doing well. She started eating Mommy milk yesterday and was keeping it down pretty well last night. They tried to start her on milk last Saturday but she was spitting up a lot. Her little tummy was still asleep from the sedative she had been on all week.

She has started to be able to cry which is wonderful to hear but also breaks my heart at the same time. She sounds like a baby kitten. We haven't been able to hold her yet which is okay. We would rather wait until she is strong enough than push her into something she isn't ready for. We can put our hand over her and she seems to really love being "held" that way. She calms right down and goes to sleep.

Our new goal for Cait is to get off of the photo therapy lights. Her bilirubin levels are continuing to come down. Yesterday she was at a 5 with her highest level having been a 13 on Friday. She needs to be at a 3 or 4 to come off the lights. Today she will be seeing the physical therapist as her joints are a little stiff from being in such a tight space for so long.

I have started to become quite a fussy mother being concerned over every little thing. Her ear lobe is bent, her wires are between her fingers, her mouth looks dry, there's too much condensation in her oxygen tube, things like that. She has been through so much and I want her to be as comfortable as possible.

It's amazing how much love such a little person can bring to your life. For the longest time we didn't think we would get to be with this little girl and each moment with her is a gift. She is so very sweet and we hope for the day that we will all be together.

-Candice

Something to Prove

Today is another great day for Cait. I went into see her and Dr. Berger came right up to me and said one word, "Fantastic." That totally made my day. He went on to say that he can't believe just how wonderful she is doing and that he is amazed at how well her lungs are doing. Yesterday her oxygen was at a four and today she is down to a one. Her nurse said she is doing great with no drops in her stats. WAY TO GO LITTLE GIRL!!!! The best news being we might be able to hold her tonight or tomorrow depending on how her stats are. We also get to start helping with changing her diaper. Who ever thought we would look forward to that.

We are so grateful to our Heavenly Father for the progress that our little girl is making. Every day she is proving to all around her that she has her own plans for this life despite the odds she was given which, by the way, was around 1%. She has blessed our family so much already and we look forward to seeing her each day.

-Candice

Round 2 to Cait...T.K.O.

GREAT NEWS! We walked into the NICU today and were shocked to see Cait without breathing tubes! She is off the nitric oxide, ventilator, and looking great. It was so nice to see her face without all the tubes. Cait has oxygen tubes running to her nose, but other than that she is breathing fine on her own.

The doctor saw us walk in and came right over and had a big smile on her face. Doctor Mohan said she was doing extremely well and that her brain ultrasound had come back at a stable Level 3 with slight improvement in her arteries. We felt like jumping up and down, but settled for hugs with the doctor and nurses. What a huge improvement in just a week. We will definitely call this round in Cait's favor!

The nurses surprised us with a picture of Cait they took with all of her tubes and thing removed, and a note attached that said, "Look Mom, no tubes!" Cait is so funny, with her wrinkly skin and funny faces she makes. We were holding her hands through the incubator and she gave us a little cry. It was amazing to hear her, and see her taking breaths on her own. She is amazing and a strong little fighter...what a will she has. Eat your heart out ROCKY!

-Dale

Round 1 to Cait

What a little fighter we have on our hands. Cait's doctors and nurses are ecstatic about her progress and improvement over the past 48 hours. She has reduced her need for the nitric oxide a considerable amount this morning and hopefully will be weened from it completely by tomorrow morning. Her ventilation requirements have also been reduced, with minimal drops on the rest of her vital stats. Way to go Cait!

They have Cait scheduled for another brain ultrasound in the morning. We hope and pray that these results will be positive as well. At her last ultrasound she was at a Level 3 with a bi-lateral brain bleed. If there is, or will be, any more bleeding it should show up now, as the full extent of brain bleeds usually fully manifest themselves in about 7 days in pre-term babies. This is the scary part. We are hoping the current bleed/clots have not broken down into smaller pieces causing the arteries in her head to become blocked, causing neurological damage. We hope to report Round 2 tomorrow will be in Cait's favor as well.

Our family has a lot to be thankful for today, besides elastic waistband in our pants. What a blessing it is to have Cait here with us. We know that even if Cait doesn't win the rounds ahead of her, our family will ultimately win the fight, because we are blessed to be an eternal family...Families are Forever!

-Dale

Back and Forth

Well, it is so nice to be home with my boys. They are so sweet and helpful. Celtin has been opening doors for me and telling me he will help me so I don't have to bend over. They both are very anxious to see their sister but that will have to wait for now. Tonight they got to hang out in the Ronald McDonald room while I sat with Cait. They thought that was pretty cool.

The last five days have been CRAZY to say the least. I was home last night for about two hours before we were back at the hospital with Cait. She is so tiny and I can't stand the thought of her being without family. Even though we can only touch her with a finger it makes me feel as though we are doing something to let her know that we are there and that we love her.

Today was a good day for Cait. We got a call this morning from her Doctor saying that her chest x-ray had come back looking very good. No signs of pulmonary hypoplasia which is what the Doctors were most concerned about before she was born. She has also continued to slowly come down on her nitric oxide and respirator levels. No big leaps and bounds but rather tiny steps in the right direction.

Before she was born I was so scared about how we would get through this but when you see your child for the first time and you are filled with a love like nothing in this world you suddenly become stronger than before. You are able to handle things that you didn't think possible because that little baby is worth it.

I'd like to say Thank You to everyone for all the prayers and kind words of support. Some of you have asked what you can do to help and right now what's helping us the most is to have the support of such wonderful friends and family. We know that we can call on any of you at any time for help and that alone is a great comfort.

-Candice

Home Sweet Home

Giving this post a title was interesting. I thought about the term Home Sweet Home and what that really means. I was able to bring Candice home from the hospital this afternoon and what a great feeling it is to have her back home with us after several weeks in the hospital. The spirit Candice brings to our home truly does make it, Home Sweet Home. I have missed that.

It was hard for us to say goodbye to Cait before we left the hospital, knowing that she would no longer be just down the hall. We know she is in good hands. We had a great update from Cait's doctor today. She is making small improvements on her oxygen levels, but her jaundice levels have increased. She will continue to receive photo-therapy treatment for probably another week or so.

We are able to hold her hands through the openings in the incubator, which has been a choice experience for the both of us. Sometimes she will grab hold of your little finger and not let go. She is so strong. I say that more in a spiritual way, than physical. Her strength is our strength. We hope at some point we will bring Cait home so that she too can be apart of our Home Sweet Home!
-Dale

Baby Steps

Candice and I were on pins and needles last night anticipating Cait's EKG and ultrasound this morning. After a prayer and a quick walk to the NICU we were greeted by the sight of the cutest little girl. Cait was just being hooked back up to the machines when we arrived. It was nice to see her off the photo-therapy lights which are blue and bright.

We sat and visited with the doctor about Cait for a bit, and knew that she was giving us the positives before the negatives. With Candice's hand in mine we were told Cait's brain hemorrhage has now become a bi-lateral LEVEL 3. Not the news we wanted but hopefully these blood clots in her brain will not start to break apart and obstruct the arteries in her brain causing brain damage. The doctor was very reassuring saying she has seen babies who are perfectly normal after a hemorrhage of this magnitude, but has also seen the obverse in severe developmental issues.

The clots can resolve themselves over time and we hope this will be the case in Cait's condition. Hopefully the clots will not break apart into little pieces causing damage. Again, it is reassuring to know that we are not alone in this. The overwhelming support has been much needed and appreciated. When I started this blog for Candice I thought it would be a fun way to have a few people keep tabs on her and her experience. Now, she has had hundreds of views on her blog, lots of comments and e-mails of support and love. Who knew that our little old blog would be such a hit. So again, many thanks to all of you. We know her progress, although baby steps, is a direct result of your faith and prayers.

Hanging On

Cait is having a rough day, today. We saw her for about an hour today, and are still amazed she is here. She is having a blood transfusion today. The NICU doctors and nurses are very supportive and seem like extended family. Cait will have another brain ultrasound tomorrow morning to monitor the bleeding in her brain. Right now the brain hemorrhage is at a Level 1, being minimal with Level 4 being severe. The first 72-hours are critical for hemorrhaging and hopefully the ultrasound in the morning will show no increase in blood.

I guess this is life in the NICU, ups and downs, good days and bad days. That said, we still believe that any day with little Cait is a great day that we have been blessed to have with her.

Caitlyn (Cait) Faye Hawkins

She's Here! After a long night, Candice awoke to major contractions at 3am and about 15 minutes later the nurses were throwing scrubs at me and saying, "let's go Dad!" The nurse had checked Candice and she was fully dilated and baby was on her way out. After a quick race to the O.R. for a C-Section we were ready to go. Candice went under general anesthesia instead of local, because of medicine she had taken earlier....so I didn't get to stay in the room.

Cait was born about 3:45am and had some complications on the way out. She was coming out feet first and had the cord wrapped around her neck. Weighing in at 2 lbs 8 oz and 14 inches long, Cait was rushed immediately into the NICU. She is beautiful. I was able to see her at about 5am and was amazed at how much dark brown hair she had. She looks alot like Candice...thank goodness! Cait is struggling to breathe. Her lungs, as expected, are not developed enough to function on their own. Her blood oxygen levels are very low and worrisome. I guess this next part should read...insert faith here. I was able to give her a blessing this morning and experience, probably one of the the most powerful spiritual and emotional connection with my Heavenly Father and daughter.

Wow, she is here. Candice is doing well and is looking forward to meeting Cait as soon as she is able to sit up in the wheelchair. We have been so blessed with a great support system of family and friends. THANK YOU! Faith is a powerful thing, and affects our lives minute by minute, LITERALLY!

Day 12, Part 2

It's 4:30pm and things have been calm since about 11, so here's hoping that they will stay that way for a few more days.

Day 12

Woke up about 3am with some back pain and started having contractions at about 4:30. Doctor gave me some medicine to stop them and that worked for a couple of hours but they've started back up a little bit. Gonna try another medicine and see if that helps, if not we might have a baby today. REALLY scared but Baby is still looking good. Dale and Dad are coming up to give me a blessing in a bit so hopefully that will help put me at ease.
Of course my regular Doctor is out of town this weekend and Dale is supposed to be leaving on Sunday for a few days.

Day 11

Kinda tired today, so gonna stay in bed for a bit. Met with Debbie yesterday. She is the mom who was in the same situation as me. She is a very sweet gal. Anyway, her baby is doing really well and will hopefully get to go home soon. He has been in the NICU for 6 weeks and was 3lbs. at birth and is now up to a little over 5lbs.
Lots of babies being born today. All the delivery rooms are full and even some of the smaller rooms so the nurses are pretty busy today.
Well gonna take a snooze so I'll talk to everyone later. Oh yeah, I am in room 504 and my number is 479-2504 in case anyone needs to know.

Day 9

Doing well today. We went to the specialist this morning and baby is right on target as far as growth goes. She is up to about 2lbs. 5oz. Didn't have too much fluid on her but that's probably because I drained right before we went down there. They took her blood pressure and checked her blood flow, everything is looking good as far as that is concerned. We'll go back in a couple weeks for another check. That's about it for today, kinda tired so keeping it short. 'Thanks for all the calls and support.

Day Seven

Doing well, not a whole lot to report today. The baby is still doing well. We've made it to week 27 of the pregnancy and one whole week in the hospital. I don't really feel like I've been in here seven separate days. The days kind of mesh together.
Celtin and Aiden are having lots of fun with their Grandmas right now so they don't really miss mom too much. It's kinda hard to see just how easily kids can adapt to not having Mom around when I'm missing being home so much.
Well that's about it for today. We go to the specialist on Tuesday so I'll post an update then unless something really exciting happens in the next two days.

Day Four

So the nurse came in yesterday and said they have changed the rules regarding visitors. I can now only have the same two visitors the whole time I'm here. I can still go down to the lobby or cafeteria and see people but only two can come up to my room. I guess things have been getting a little out of hand with some of the patients and the number of guests they are receiving. They handed out green wrist bands yesterday which means no wrist band no entrance. I know this isn't the greatest but they are just trying to keep the spread of sickness to a minimum. Things are still progressing as well as can be expected. My nurse just came in and said she would see if the mom who has the little boy in the NICU that was in the same situation would stop by and talk to me. I would love to hear her whole story and get some inspiration. Well I gonna get my behind out of bed and get ready for my busy day of T.V, reading, computer, and laying around. So many things to do and so much time to do them in. Hope all is well with everyone and thanks for all the kind words and support.

Day Three

Doing well. Got some good rest last night. Ear plugs are definitely the key for resting in the hospital. Baby is doing well, she's loving mom being down more as I'm not leaking fluid quite as often. The only issue I'm having with being down is that my underside isn't used to being sat on so much. The nurses are really nice, some more than others. Missin my hubby and kids, can't wait to see them later today. Well better go, LOTS to do ya know.

Day one is going well so far. Just finished monitoring the baby, she's looking good so far. The nurse was telling me about a mom with a similar situation whose baby is in the NICU right now. Sounds like he wasn't expected to make it but came out screaming when he was born and is doing well. It's good to hear stories like that, gives me some hope for my own little miracle. Well that's it for now, gotta get back to the boob-tube.

I'm here

So, the plan is to monitor the baby a few times a day. I can get out of bed a couple times a day to walk the halls and go potty. I can see the kids in the lobby and cafeteria so that makes me feel a lot better. Well that's all for tonight.

Going to the hospital today...........Let the FUN begin!!!